Beautiful Disaster

Anxiety. Let’s tackle this bastard (because that’s what it is). Almost EVERY high schooler goes through anxiety and/or depression at some point. It can be temporary, or it can be more permanent. Bless your heart if you are an adult and deal with these demons. And we all deal with it differently. Medically, it’s all the same. It’s a diagnosis. Mentally, it’s totally different for everyone. I can’t speak for everyone else, so I’ll speak from experience.

Today I walked in my home and just looked at all the things I had to do. Although I’m not the only one who lives here, I am the only one who sees cleaning as an everyday job.

*Dishes in sink

*Start dishwasher

*Sweep Kitchen, living room, steps, and top floor

*Vacuum rugs

*Recycling

*Trash

*Laundry

I worked this morning. I came home around 6pm absolutely starving! It’s Friday so I was excited for a date night, but due to my husband’s new schedule he’d just woken up. I can’t cook if the dishes aren’t done. So coming home from a long day, hungry, and seeing everything I need to do is like a trigger for me. I went off. I get these agitated anger fits that I take out on my husband (poor guy). Once I start, it’s hard to calm down until everything is finished. This is my anxiety. If I don’t get angry, I cry. Today I did both. Taking a deep breath is easier said than done. However, I have only had one little “spell” in the last two weeks. One day at a time, right?

Some people have panic attacks, some people pass out, and some people just give up. I get sweaty, pee A LOT, have chest pains, and get agitated. I’d consider my anxiety mild. All this time I thought I had many different medical conditions….but I’m thinking that anxiety has taken more of a toll on my body than I care to admit. The worst is my agitation. I threw a rubber spatula in my sink once because the cinnamon buns weren’t done. Driving in unknown places triggers my agitation. Put me in a situation where I need to step up and I’ll do it. When I’m in the comfort of my own home, I’m a beautiful disaster.

To those who understand, we need to be lifting one another up. To those who don’t quite understand, maybe this post will help. Certain things effect certain people in different ways. Some handle it well, some need extra help handling it. Blogging is a way for me to express what’s on my mind. Find your niche. Find your friends. Find your comfort zone. Understand your triggers. Stay healthy.

 

 

 

Rimani Bello il Mio Amore

Lake Barcis.jpg

This week has been stressful. We’re short staffed at work so we are all going a little crazy! I was suppose to go to an amusement park with an awesome group of teens yesterday, but unfortunately my intestinal issues kept me home in bed. Today, however, we took the kids to sketch at Lake Barcis which is a lake up in the mountain near where we live. We’ve been working on Art Camp all week so for our trip day we headed up to the lake. With 24 kids, we got to see such a wonderful view! Bellissimo, bellissimo!! This picture was from one of our stops today. We were able to feed the ducks and fish but my absolute favorite part was splashing in the water.

Sometimes we need to take a step back and look at the beauty that’s right in front of our faces. All too often we go looking for beauty in other places or even other people! Most of the kids I work with don’t even realize how lovely Italy is and how lucky they are to spend some time here. We are stuck in a world full of technology with our noses shoved in a cell phone, tablet, or laptop. I know I am guilty of this! Is was incredible today to become one with nature and just relax! Once my feet hit the water and my butt hit the rocky beach, I did not have one worry in the world.

I hope you guys had a wonderderful Thursday! I am now sitting on the couch watching Midnight in Paris and having a glass of Rose!

Rimani bello il mio amore. — Stay nice my love.

My Jesus List

I was reading a devotion one morning that told me to sit down and make a list of all the things Jesus Christ had done for me. I was overwhelmed by the time I was finished. I’m only going to list the major points, so here we go. 

• My salvation

• The opportunity to make mistakes and be forgiven – bringing me closer to Jesus

• A love for adventure

• The ability to travel

• A good education

• A wonderful, Godly  husband

•Growing up in the USA

• My knowledge of Jesus’ love

• Financial stability

• Military life (struggles + success)

• My mother

The list goes on and on, but this is what sticks out the most. Often times I wonder about people who don’t have Jesus. Who do you go to? Who do you rely on? Who do you pray  to? Do your prayers get answered? I understand that everyone has the right to their opinion and what they believe, and I’m so glad I have Jesus. He makes the hard times worth it. 

Things to Ask Yourself as a Military Spouse

This past week has been wonderful! So many things have gone well for me so far.

•I participated in an Italian cooking class

•I conversed with people who I now consider friends

•I feel like I’m moving up in my job AND that I’m making a difference

This past week I’ve felt like I’m where I’m suppose to be…….and then this AWESOME little miracle came into my world. I am an auntie to a beautiful little girl! This is such a great milestone for my husband’s family, but it reminds me that being a military spouse can be a very difficult and very emotional role. This new baby brought up so many things to my attention that I should have realized before, but instead it just now hit me.

When marrying into the military, here’s some things you ought to know:

1. You will move. Many things factor in to how often you will move, like available space at a new duty station, how long you’ve been in, your rank, and so on.  Your family may move across the state, across the country, or across the world.

2. Their job comes first. Plain and simple. I’ve argued  so many times with my husband about how “unfair” his schedule is, or his boss, or whatever else his job asks of him, but I ultimately have to remember that he signed away his rights (to an extent) and I married him, so I need to deal with this inconvenience as well.

3. I will change jobs many times due to the fact of point #1. Yay me…

4. You will need to be the “man of the house” for months at a time during schooling, training, TDY’s, and deployments. Everything that can go wrong during their time away, will. Let me say that again. EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG, WILL. The kids will get sick, the car will break down, your house will need maintenence, your dog will run away, your tire will blow, and your neighbors will be a pain in your behind.

5. Seeing immediate/extended family is a wonderful treat that happens once a year, IF YOU’RE LUCKY!

6, 7, & 8 all follow #5. Here’s some questions to ponder:

•Are you okay with not knowing nephews, nieces, & cousins? (6)

•Are you okay with not knowing your siblings’ spouses very well? (7)

•Are you okay with your immedite/extended family not knowing your children? (8)

This hit me like a ton of bricks last night as I lay in bed waiting to hear the news of my new niece. My how we love our niece and nephew, how we love the spouses who make our siblings happy, but we’re also jealous of the time they spend with those who know them personally, the friends and family they see often. And then there is the brother/sister in law or aunt/uncle who visits rarely,  and there is no bond, no connection. They know your name, but nothing more. It’s tragic, but this is the life we chose. This is how we live.

While this is a depressing realization, we remember that not everyone was made for this life. We are far from weak! It takes A LOT to break a military spouse. We are strong, wonderful creatures, and we do not give up. We may complain to relieve stress, but we stick  it out. We love our spouse, we love our country, and we love our life, no matter how crazy and stressful it gets. We are the support  system, the encourages, and the givers. We sacrifice for this life to make it as best we can.  Here’s to you, a warrior!

Don’t You Remember?

This might be a long post, brace yourself…it’s about to get real!

Most of us have had some type of relationship that didn’t last. How tragic, but it happens ALL the time. I’m not placing blame, because I don’t have wings, and I’m not an angel. I’m about to drop one of those “truth bombs”.

  • Everyone is the way they are BECAUSE of their parents, how they were raised, and/or their personal (traumatic) experiences. You’re thinking, “Well DUH Neriah, that’s an obvious point!”, but is it? Think of an instance where somebody has drug your name through the dirt, backstabbed you, gossiped, or said/did something that completely shocked you, causing you to think differently of them. Make this a personal memory. “Here’s to that bitch who I used to be friends with but she ruined that relationship and I burned that bridge!” or “That jackass doesn’t deserve my love and my time if he’s going to treat me this way!”. More relatable now? Awesome! Guess what? They are like this for a reason. Maybe it’s a cycle (like forms of abuse or alcoholism) and they were brought up in a home where they learned to act this way. Quite possibly they could have had a terrible experience and are now taking things out on you. You are their outlet. But take a second and think back to why/how that relationship started. Sometimes we’re good people who make mistakes, and sometimes we are a lion dressed in sheep’s clothing. We’ve all got our reasons of why we are the way we are. What makes our flaws. Some people ignore the issues, and some people accept them and build themselves from them.

This one’s for the broken-hearted people, the ones confused on what they did wrong, the ones who don’t understand where it all went downhill: here’s what you do to make YOURSELF feel better….because guess what? You are only responsible for you.

I’ve got two personal examples for you to read. And I’m sorry to those who are reading this and know who/what I’m talking about, but I’ve made a mends with the demons inside me from these encounters and built myself from the ashes.

  • My biological father and I have had our issues. I’ve been mean, really mean. I have reasons to be. Without going into too much detail, my ideas of a father and morals are different than his. It’s a traumatic experience for a “daddy’s girl” to realize who/what makes up this being I’ve called Dad for 22 years. To the man who could do no wrong, he went about everything wrong in his whole life. As many times I’ve prayed and asked to be more tender hearted, forgiving, and kind….it never came. Not until that one day, about 7 years after the initial realization that he is the way he is from the circumstances he was put in and what he dealt with: an abusive father, being the oldest of three brothers, paid attention to less than the baby brother and the middle child, and being the black sheep. Falling into drugs and alcohol that ended up putting a wedge between friends and family. The struggles that I ended up having because of him are most likely because of the struggles he has had in his life. I’m not making excuses, just trying to wrap my head around his actions. Once I came to terms with how he is and why, my demon shriveled. I forgave, but I won’t forget.
  • Another experience is from a girl I’ve known for as long as I can remember who turned into my best friend. We lived in the same neighborhood but went to different schools until middle school. We did parties and vacations together. We even transferred to the same high school in a different county. It was perfect until I started having my self confidence torn away little by little. I struggled to stay friends towards the end. She felt like a leech, sucking all my energy and self worth away. I begged my mom to let me break off the friendship but there was too much history so she encouraged me to hang on. Then an incident over something stupid tore the friendship up, and she initiated the drift away. It’s hard losing your best friend in high school because everything is a caste system. I didn’t want to be at the bottom, but for awhile I was, and it hurt every being inside my body. I walked on eggshells for so long to protect her feelings and then I was the bad guy?! This happened sophomore year of school. It wasn’t till my senior year where I began to find my place. I found friends who rebuilt that self worth that was torn down. I found a boyfriend (now my husband) who made me feel like I was somebody again. I’ve been out of high school for 4 years, and for the last 6 years, I’ve hated her. I felt so betrayed. Somehow moving to Italy changed my perspective on everything. Looking back, she was the one who was insecure. She was the one who turned to boys to find her self worth. She’s the one who had family that never addressed the issues in the household (from what I could tell). She needed more than anything that I could have ever contributed to the friendship to build up her self confidence. Looking back now, I understand why and how everything unfolded the way it did. We can use our struggles to make us or break us, and it broke her. It’s taken 6 years, but it made me. This girl and I are not friends on social media so she may have created a whole new life for herself where she is now confident in the gorgeous woman she is, but who knows. Anyways, I recently sent a Facebook message apologizing for my hatred and my grudge-holding. I have no idea if she read it, but it made me feel a million times better and while I’m not 100% to where I’d want to be, I am at the point now where I hope she got the help she needed and I hope she’s succeeding in life. I got the help I needed, and now I feel like I’m succeeding. And if her mother is reading this, I’m sure you never heard this side of the story, and whether you believe it or not, it’s up to you.

Life Lessons from Neriah:

  • Nobody can tell you how to feel. If you’re hurt, sad, or angry, nobody can tell you that you’re not. You have the right to feel how you want/need to feel, just deal with it appropriately.
  • In confrontational situations, explain how you feel and why, be honest, and also remember that everyone is always going through trials that can put stress on a relationship. Understand and respect that, but stand your ground.
  • Stop pleasing everyone, YOU CAN’T! Do what’s best for you while being respectful to others around you.

It’s hard to be kind when you’ve been mistreated. Look to God. Put yourself in their shoes. Understand where they are coming from. It’s such a blessing to have this hatred and all the grudges lifted. My demons were getting too dark. I made a mends with those I thought I needed to, whether they feel as I do or not is not up to me, but I did my part and I let it go. Once again, forgiven but not forgotten. Be humble, be kind, be respectful, but remember you are worth something. You’re here for a purpose. Find it and hit the ground running!

The Need to Help

It’s 6:18pm and I’m listening from my balcony as the rain is pouring. This blog was not planned, it just sort of came to me.

I was recently accepted to a military spouses support page. It only made my want of helping people increase. I wrote a post last year about how wrongly I thought I had been treated from another military spouse. I grew from that experience. I understand that I do not have all the answers (as badly I wish I did), but the longer my husband stays in the Air Force, the more I learn. Within the squadron we have what are called Key Spouses. This is a military spouse that another spouse can rely on for answers or comfort. I badly want to be one, but my time will come….one day. I think the reason why I long for this title is simply because of what happened to me last year. I do not want another spouse to have to deal with what I went through. I want to instill knowledge. I want to be looked up to. I want to obtain all the wisdom so I can share with others. I have all these ideas in my head and no way to get them out.

Anyways, I recently came across this Milso Page on Facebook and extended a hand to any spouse who had questions, comments, or just needed a friend. I couldn’t really understand why I have this want to help others, until I realized it was because I was hurt so badly. I don’t know much, and I don’t have it all together, but anyone who needs the help or support, I will try my best!

 

This is a short blog post, but I hope it reaches someone!

Sunday Strollin’

Venice

The picture posted is from Venice a few weekends ago. It just so happens we showed up during a Kayak competition. That was probably one of the coolest things I saw in Venice. While some of the architecture is absolutely gorgeous and the history is rich, it’s very “touristy” which takes away most of the city’s beauty. The trashcans were overflowing and the streets were packed with people. Catching the train was interesting. It just seems to be that every trip we take tends to end up somewhat disasterous. I think our Venice trip sucked because it wasn’t a planned trip…..and I’m an organized person so I like to have some sort of an itinerary. I basically captured a few pictures, got lost in the streets, struggled to find restrooms, and learned the train system. I was grumpy and mean that day. My poor husband!

Today, however, we PLANNED a trip to Verona! I googled the most common attractions and asked for suggestions from other people who’ve been.  We were able to drive to Verona for a day trip. The autostrada is an awesome interstate. Three lanes of fast moving traffic which means it didn’t take too long to get there. Of course me as a passanger giving directions is TERRIBLE! I cannot go a single trip without making at least one wrong turn. I constantly mix up my lefts and rights, but I always point in the right direction! Follow my finger, not my words. My husband learned early to ask “right right” or “left right”.  Anyways, after a few wrong turns we made it to the historical part of town. I was excited to see my first ever castle! Castelvecchio was huge (to me)! We took the museum tour and walked the gorgeous bridge. The museum was interesting. There were so many pieces of art about Jesus. It kind of makes me (as a Christian) wonder how you couldn’t believe in Him. I did question why Jesus only had one cut on his abdomen when he was beaten with a cat of nine tails…

After the castle we headed to lunch at a restaurant inside a church. The atmosphere was gorgeous but the food could have been better. I had a complete “American” moment when I ordered a salad and asked for Ranch dressing. I was given the weirdest look so I grabbed my Google Translate so the waitress could read it in Italian. She kept asking what “dressing” was. I finally started saying “oil and vinegar” and it clicked for her. Italians don’t do dressing……oops. I forgot.

We finished lunch and headed out towards Juliet’s house from Romeo & Juliet. My husband made the comment of what would they say if they saw their streets turned into shopping stores. But really, it was a surreal moment when it hit me that Romeo stood where I stood outside of Juliet’s balcony. The letters to Juliet were so cool to read! Part of the past came into the present. Finally we we started back towards our car when we noticed a casino. We stopped to play a little since we hadn’t played in awhile. We enjoyed the air conditioning while we lost some money.

The best part of the whole trip was spending it with my lovely husband. We saw a few more sights in Venice and Verona but I’ve hit the main points.

We also realized that Sundays are the BEST time to travel because…..FREE PARKING!!!

I hope all my readers had a fantastic weekend!